Jim’s Blog

Dear President Reagan:

How does it feel to be the Republican Jesus? Does it warm your heart to know that you are the one who died for all republican sins, and they can now be as evil as they’ve always wanted to be? What exactly did you do to be so hearalded by them? Was it that whole Iran-Contra thing, where your staff, supposedly without your knowledge blatantly broke the laws of this country? That sounds pretty evil. Wikipedia says that that blunder was one of the top 10 in presidential history. Whoops.

Maybe Republicans are in love with you because you granted amnesty to 3 million illegal immigrants. Don’t you know that they cause crime constantly and that they’re stealing those jobs from hard working Americans? I can’t see you getting away with that crap today. Remember that time you were all like, “TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!” but then some years later republicans can’t stop talking about a different wall, here in the U.S.? Maybe that’s a flawed comparison.

It could be because your opponent sucked so bad when you were re-elected that every state but one turned into a red state. Who cares about Minnesota anyway. Yeah, don’t listen to people who say you only got 60% of the popular vote. At least it wasn’t 49%… Nice landslide, bro.

Maybe it’s because you were named “the Teflon President” for all the shit you got away with. You might have a contender for that title, though.

Do you ever think it’s weird that the very thing republicans rally against now, stem cell research, could have made the final years of your life less of a living hell? I think that’s weird. I’d call you a martyr, but martyrs generally have more success on that front. Maybe time will tell. Good luck.

  Could it have been that whole trickle-down economics crap? Where people argue that by giving  tax breaks to the wealthy, we’ll all benefit. To be frank, I despise the rich. And you gave a HUGE tax cut. Maybe that’s why rich people love you.

  Maybe it was that time you went to that Nazi cemetery, and called members of the SS victims, even those all kinds of people protested, including your wife. Republicans like Nazis, right? I can’t remember. Remember that other time when you told those jewish guys, “I was there” and helped in the liberation of death camps, but you weren’t in Europe during World War 2? Hilarious.

Maybe it was how you ignored the AIDs epidemic until after 6,000 of your people had died from it.

Remember that time Bill Clinton made the economy great? All the republicans said that it was the natural rhythm of the economy, but when it happened to you, you got all the credit? Awesome.

How about that time you supported the little guy by firing more than 11 thousand striking air traffic controllers. That was a red letter day for worker’s rights. 

Hey, how’s that war on drugs going? Not so well? Again, time’s going to tell.

Do you ever get all self-conscious and think that Lincoln was a way better President than you? And that maybe today’s Republicans should be trying to emulate him, and not you? Talk about a great communicator. Just reading his speeches give me chills. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be there. Isn’t it weird that all the democrats were crazy racists back then and it took a republican to slow down slavery? Oh, how the tables have turned. I guess a lot can happen in 150 years. 

Well, I’d love to go on, but I’ve answered my own question, and figured out why Republicans can’t stop talking about you. Hint: It’s the hair. 

Seriously, if you say I’m part of the face book generation again, I’m going to punch you in the mouth.

  In others news that’s what I’m talking about! 

Well, that didn’t take long. I’m officially fed up with hearing about coverage of the candidates. I’ve heard enough, and I’m not impressed by any of them. Maybe if they’d give me some new stuff to chew on, I’d come back. I come from a generation of who may have the shortest average attention span on record. I get it, everyone is going to fix the economy. Everyone is going to keep America safe. Everyone has misinterpreted the things that everyone else has said. Thankfully, not everyone is spouting that “strengthen America’s families” bullshit. How, exactly, republicans? Using your compassion, your empathy? A new form of glue? Maybe they’ll use their unstoppable bigotry. Like a rollout to the next video game, you have to leak me a little more information ever so often. Give me time to absorb your master plan. If I see another debate on nothing but the economy, the environment, and immigration, I’m going to throw Ben’s TV from the balcony.

Who is going to torch the travesty that is No Child Left Behind? Who’s going to invest in America’s future by investing in the education system? Won’t someone think of the children? Who’s going to fight big business and break up the monopolies? 

I don’t want to hear about how great America is. I’ll make up my own mind on that. (Newsflash: It’s not so hot, and repeating it ever 20 seconds isn’t going to convince me otherwise) I don’t want to hear plans for the economy, because people too smart to run for president are looking after it. I want to hear about how cabinets are going to be stuffed with people from a wide range of views. I want to hear about the people the candidate is going to surround themselves with. We’ve seen super villain-esque cohorts Bush rolls with, and know where that leads.

These politicians aren’t heroes. They’re not “uniters” or the “candidates of change.” They’re rich people trying to sell me something.

  I want to hear someone stand up at the podium, summon all of the anger of my generation, and swear on the lives of our precious farmers that they will become a warrior for the Constitution. That, should it be threatened, they will leap from a dead sleep, stark naked, grab a pen, a sword, and a blood soaked copy of the constitution that they keep around specifically for this purpose, and fight to the death for the freedoms guaranteed to me by that sacred document. Why won’t a candidate tell me how hard they’ll fight for my rights? How they’ll restore the balance of power and undo everything that George Bush did, including scuttling that “Mission Accomplished” carrier. I want to vote for a politician who understands that, statistically, I have more to fear from diabetes, cancer, or heart disease than from the next looming terror threat. I’m not saying it doesn’t matter, I’m saying that other issues matter, too.

The candidates will never read this, and will never listen to nutjobs like me. They have an army of people who exist solely to get them elected. And, while they all campaign for change, I’m not sure anything actually will.

    Ever since the cold weather has set in, I’ve noticed something weird. Ever so often, I’ll find a healthy, living fly on my window, trying to get out. This started after we closed up the place for winter. It’s happened like 3 times.

Now, the layout of our apartment is unique. We have a door at ground level that leads to a stair case that leads up to our living room. I’ve never seen in a fly in flight in any of these areas since the cold weather set in. This leads me to ponder, how did the fly get in? It certainly didn’t come in the closed, screened windows back in the bedrooms. Shouldn’t it be I know it’s not the same fly, because I made sure to kill the last one.

The only idea I have left is that it’s a government spy device.