Letters to People Who Will Never Read Them, Vol. 1
Dear President Reagan:
How does it feel to be the Republican Jesus? Does it warm your heart to know that you are the one who died for all republican sins, and they can now be as evil as they’ve always wanted to be? What exactly did you do to be so hearalded by them? Was it that whole Iran-Contra thing, where your staff, supposedly without your knowledge blatantly broke the laws of this country? That sounds pretty evil. Wikipedia says that that blunder was one of the top 10 in presidential history. Whoops.
Maybe Republicans are in love with you because you granted amnesty to 3 million illegal immigrants. Don’t you know that they cause crime constantly and that they’re stealing those jobs from hard working Americans? I can’t see you getting away with that crap today. Remember that time you were all like, “TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!” but then some years later republicans can’t stop talking about a different wall, here in the U.S.? Maybe that’s a flawed comparison.
It could be because your opponent sucked so bad when you were re-elected that every state but one turned into a red state. Who cares about Minnesota anyway. Yeah, don’t listen to people who say you only got 60% of the popular vote. At least it wasn’t 49%… Nice landslide, bro.
Maybe it’s because you were named “the Teflon President” for all the shit you got away with. You might have a contender for that title, though.
Do you ever think it’s weird that the very thing republicans rally against now, stem cell research, could have made the final years of your life less of a living hell? I think that’s weird. I’d call you a martyr, but martyrs generally have more success on that front. Maybe time will tell. Good luck.
Could it have been that whole trickle-down economics crap? Where people argue that by giving tax breaks to the wealthy, we’ll all benefit. To be frank, I despise the rich. And you gave a HUGE tax cut. Maybe that’s why rich people love you.
Maybe it was that time you went to that Nazi cemetery, and called members of the SS victims, even those all kinds of people protested, including your wife. Republicans like Nazis, right? I can’t remember. Remember that other time when you told those jewish guys, “I was there” and helped in the liberation of death camps, but you weren’t in Europe during World War 2? Hilarious.
Maybe it was how you ignored the AIDs epidemic until after 6,000 of your people had died from it.
Remember that time Bill Clinton made the economy great? All the republicans said that it was the natural rhythm of the economy, but when it happened to you, you got all the credit? Awesome.
How about that time you supported the little guy by firing more than 11 thousand striking air traffic controllers. That was a red letter day for worker’s rights.
Hey, how’s that war on drugs going? Not so well? Again, time’s going to tell.
Do you ever get all self-conscious and think that Lincoln was a way better President than you? And that maybe today’s Republicans should be trying to emulate him, and not you? Talk about a great communicator. Just reading his speeches give me chills. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be there. Isn’t it weird that all the democrats were crazy racists back then and it took a republican to slow down slavery? Oh, how the tables have turned. I guess a lot can happen in 150 years.
Well, I’d love to go on, but I’ve answered my own question, and figured out why Republicans can’t stop talking about you. Hint: It’s the hair.